Christmas is Everyone's Holiday; Not a Special Club

I'm sick of the argument between "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays".. it's very ridiculous.  I think that we have become evolved enough over the years to realize that everyone celebrates Christmas, whether they are a God fearing religion or not.

Is there really a reason to debate about this and be all judgey judgerson? Is a family who does not believe in God, but celebrates the Christmas holidays as a time to be together, less worthy than the one who goes to church on Sundays and celebrates the relgious meaning of it?

I don't care what you're answer is.  The answer is no. Get over it.

I am not of any faith that follows the bible or any aspect of it.  Yet, I celebrate Christmas. No, I do not reflect on the fact that it is the day Jesus Christ was born. (His birth date is a whole other story that you can read here.)

We could list how different religions celebrate this time of year and there are many.  The month of December is full of different celebrations. I could be wrong, but I think many of them would be glad to bring you into their festivities and allow you to share and celebrate with them.

So what's your problem with Christmas?

Have you ever seen the first Futurama Christmas episode.. where in the year 3000 it's now called Xmas (ex-mass).  That's how it is going to become eventually, I swear.

Since I've venting, I'll share my story of why I still celebrate at this holiday.  I didn't have the greatest homelife. Childhood was very strange, confusing and scary, but I could always count on Christmas. None of my family was religious. There was no bible in the houses I moved back and forth from. I asked for one, out of curiosity, and my aunt gave me one.  Yes I have read it. Front to back. Interesting story.

At Christmas, the chaos in my life would slow. The woman I lived with would fuss over me. I was spoiled with gifts. She cooked mountains of food.  I sometimes didn't know when I would see my dad next, but he was always there for Christmas. It gave my life a sense of normality. The adults around me laugh and got along.

It was always short lived. By Boxing Day, as things were cleaned and people went back to where they came from, reality was all too quick to come back.

But for that Christmas Eve and that one whole day of Christmas, I felt loved and happy and normal. (Even if some of the love was bought, I didn't care. I wanted it) And as years went on, that became my goto holiday. I knew at Christmas, there would be gifts and food and gathering and fun. It wouldn't matter what was happening, for that one day, I could count on my friends and family to be happy. And I could pretend that nothing in the past happened.

Is that healthy? I dunno, ask my psychiatrist.

So every year, by the middle of November I am excited. I write Christmas cards, I wrap everything and that tree goes up the week after Remembrance Day. And that energy will keep me going through all of December.

I say Happy Holidays.  Not to disrespect Christians/Catholics/etc, but because I believe it's respectful to all. I don't care what you say to me, I will take it either way.  But I believe that Christmas is not a special club that you can only enter if you believe in God. If Christmas means a lot to someone in a way like it does to me, they deserve to not be caught in some stupid argument about wording.

Your cashier is going to tell you Happy Holidays. She has to. Just smile, be happy that this is a holiday that all people can share, and keep your damn mouth shut if you don't agree with it.

The Fake Wedding

I promised to keep a secret.  And when I made that promise I was in shock from the news and stammered out an okay. Afterwards, with time to think, this was not a secret that I wanted to keep.  It wasn't right.

I'm going to tell that secret here.  You might think that bad of me. But the secret involves me and I am angered that it was kept.  No one who reads this blog is effected by it, and if they are, the truth is one that should be out anyway.

In 2008, my husband and I separated. It wasn't messy, we simply parted ways and moved on in different directions.  We remained friends and didn't initiate a divorce right away because there was no hurry. Speed ahead a few years, I began the process of a divorce, but had some financial difficulties and didn't go ahead with it.  No big deal he said, he would do it.

Fast forward now to 2011.  He decides that he is going to propose to his current girlfriend.  I'm happy for him and I send an email to see what he wants to do.  He says, no problem, I'm filing right after xmas.  I'm not working due to medical conditions, but he assures me that he is the one getting married, so he will handle the divorce.  Perfect.

Months go by. Nothing. I message again. He's procrastinating. They've already set a date.  October 13, 2012.  Better get on it.

July. Still hasn't filed. Finally gets things together and files the beginning of August. End of September comes and I have heard nothing.

The next email informs me that he filled out part of the paperwork wrong and had to re-file. We will not be divorced by the wedding. I ask, what are you going to do?

He replies their justice of the peace has agreed to give them a fake wedding.  Yes, a fake one.  And they will sign a real marriage certificate when our divorce goes through. Are you fucking kidding me? Also, he asks, can you not say anything? Our guests believe it's real and no one knows because we are embarrassed.

First of all, if I was his fiance I would punch him in the throat.

Second, am I that worthless that you can't even finalize a divorce with your first wife before you go on? You had a whole year to get the divorce.  So, scratch that, you have more then a year because he obviously knew he were going to propose before Christmas.

When he posted "I'm a married man" I just wanted to scream.  Yeah you are.  Married to me still! How do you like that? Every wedding anniversary you ever have will be a lie.  Do you know why? Because you don't want anyone to know.

I am not angry at him for getting married.  That ship sailed long ago.  But I do think that both me and his fiance/current-fake-wife deserve more respect then this. She deserves to have a perfect day and know that on that day every year she can be proud of her wedding day.

Enough of my ranting.  It will all be over soon. And I will be happy to close that chapter.  I wish them the best and I hope that this doesn't overshadow their marriage.  Speaking as a women, I can tell you that THAT will be leverage later on. :p

The List: Day 10 & 11

Yes, I'm doubling up today.  I missed yesterday.  Actually I did begin it, saved it as a draft and forgot about it.  So here we go!

Describe your most embarrassing moment.

There are so many of these.  I'm not sure I'm willing to share the very worst one.  But I'll share a lighthearted one from when I was a teenager. 

I believe I was 17 at the time and of course had my fair share of crushes.  One of these boys I was particularly fond of.  I was driving one summer day, window down, music up when I saw him walking down the street.  Trying to play it cool I didn't even glace his way, until he yelled "Hey!" to me as I drove by. Shocked, I turned my head back to see him and yell a greeting back, when I remembered I was near a stop sign. 

When I looked ahead, that stop sign was coming straight at my car, as I had veered right in my process of being boy-crazy.  I was lucky to have been going slow enough and stopped a foot or so away from the sign. But it was pretty clear the people around me what had happened. 

Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

1. People touching my belly button. Just don't. Don't even joke about it!
2. Closed minded people.
3. People who are cruel to animals.
4. When the cat bites my toes in the middle of the night. 
5. Dirty toothbrush. Even just left over toothpaste in it.. not allowed. Blech. 
6. When someone finished the milk/juice/etc and then leaves the carton on the counter instead of throwing it away.
7. When the cats clean their litter paws in the bathtub.
8. When random people park in my space.  It's a long story, but it drives me insane!
9. People who ask "How are you?" when really, they don't want to know. 
10. Cashiers who ask if you've found everything you were looking for, then stare blankly at you if you say no. 

Almost Turkey Day!

Today I cleaned out the fridge, made a big spot and plunked the frozen down so that it can thaw. I enjoy Thanksgiving.  I wouldn't say it's my favorite holiday (that one would be Halloween) but it's a close runner up.

When I was growing up, it was one of the only times my family was together.  And when I say family, I mean my grandpa, dad and Mary.  It wasn't a big thing.  There wasn't a huge table with lots of people, it was a small affair with Mary's dry turkey and enough food to feed a family of twelve.

I have fond memories of these gatherings and I have always made the time to celebrate it in some way.  We don't do family dinners anymore. Grandpa passed years ago. Mary is chest deep in a new business with her boyfriend.  My dad and his girlfriend spend most with her parents, but there have been a few times I have spent it with them.  So I've taken it upon myself to make a supper for myself and my significant other.

It is always way too much food for two.  But my turkey is never dry. I stick to traditional... I make my own stuffing, mash my own potatoes; you won't find Stovetop here.

Small things that you bring along with you as your grow and age.  I wouldn't change things in any way.

The List: Day 9

List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

1. My dad - he overcame his personal problems and became successful, loving and a great father
2. Trish - Always been there for me and taught me how to be a stronger person
3. Krysti - Pushed me to learn more about myself and encouraged me to pursue the things that I want
4. Mr Van Bergan (a teaching student) - Complimented my writing and gave me the confidence to keep at it. 
5. High School Socials Teacher - Has an essay that I wrote published in a book for the School District. He also upped my confidence about my writing. 
6. Tito - Ok he's not a person. But what happened to this little dog led to an epiphany for me and effected me in ways I didn't think possible. He helped me make up my mind about my future.

I'll be honest, I can't think of any more.  Those are the people who stand out for me so far in my life.  I am sure that as time goes on, I will add to that list.  But as for now, those are the major players. 

The List: Day 8

What are 5 passions you have?

1. Ancestry research
2. Astronomy
3. Animals
4. Photography
5. Writing

The List: Day 7

What is your dream job, and why?

This is easy.  My dream is to work with animals (because I'm not a fan of people).  Specifically, I am working towards becoming an Animal Health Technician.  This allows me not just to work on regular pets, but wildlife, exotic animals, etc. The possibilities are endless. 

Why? Seriously, I don't like people.  Over the years, I have realized that I am very unsatisfied helping people and their companies gain.  Don't get me wrong, I love graphic design. Love it.  But in the end I am just helping someone advertise themselves and their business.  Not that this is not essential, but I find it very blah.

I have a certificate in Office Administration. A diploma in web design. Four years of workplace graphic design experience.  And I don't regret these things. These were the things that led me to the path to realize what I really want to do. 

I've always been passionate about animals. It's time that I pursue that. 

The List: Day 6

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Oh these are always the hardest ones...

I would have to say the hardest thing I have experienced was when my grandpa passed away.  To many people, that seems like a sad occasion, but maybe not the hardest thing.  For me, it was hard because I was raised by him. My parents were young, not ready and after shuffling when I was younger, I came to spend most of my time at my grandpa's house.  I lived there 90% of the time, right up until I graduated high school. And then after that.  And when I went to college, he moved closer to me, and I lived with him again while I finished up my schooling. 

He was always there with his repetitive stories and goofy inventions. And watching his health degrade was very hard.  And a piece of me left when he passed away. He is a huge part of who I am today. I am happy to have my father and other family now.  But losing grandpa was the equivalent of losing a parent to me, and it will always be the hardest thing I've experienced. 

The List: Day 5

What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1. Isis and Khonsu (the cats)
2. Making plans to move
3. Knowing that my divorce will come to completion soon
4. Having a list of goals that I am excited to complete
5. Knowing that I have the best family and friends

The List: Day 4

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

1. Don't be a doormat, it isn't worth it. 
2. Your graduation year, take those classes you wanted to. They will help you in the future. 
3. When you graduate, don't let yourself be pressured into taking something in college you really didn't want. 
4. You can survive. 
5. Don't waste your time with certain family members. Just let it go. 
6. Embrace your magickal lineage. 
7. Don't dwell on your mistakes, you will make them.  Learn from them. 
8. Really THINK before you decide to get married.  You might be surprised at how you really feel. 
9. Don't be afraid to ask for help.  You know that you need it and you will regret not asking sooner. 
10. You will become comfortable with yourself.  I know you don't right now, but trust me, it will come. :)

The List: Day 3

Describe your relationship with your parents.

Hmm, this is an interesting one. Let's break this into two. 

My dad and I now have a great relationship. I can't say it was always that way.  There were times that I felt I was a burden on his life. After I graduated high school, there was a time that we didn't speak much at all. Our lives were separate. But we were able to reconnect and now share a very close relationship, and I am very happy for that. 

Mom on the other hand, I do not speak to.  There is the odd communication over Facebook, but that is as far as it goes.  Yes, there is a long history there... or rather, no history at all.  My mom chose a different path in life. One that didn't involve me. I tried to reach out a few times and got burned every time. After years, I let go. There is no sense hanging on to someone who doesn't want you. 

Now, I have Krysti. She is my dad's girlfriend and has been for the last 12 years or so. I consider her my mom. She is the most amazing person that I have ever met, and I'm lucky to have her in my life. My dad is too. She is the one who listens, supports and helps me the most.  

The List: Day 2

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

1. Spiders

I don't think this "became" a fear, it is just one of those things that I have always had.  It is not just, eww that's a spider.  I have full on arachnophobia. They paralyze me, cause me to stand stunned like a deer in the headlights.  When I was a teenager once, a spider was on my clothes that I was going to get dressed in and then disappeared.  I couldn't find it, afraid in was in my clothing.  I called my grandparents, who lived out of town, to drive into town to check my clothes for me before I could put them on.  Sounds stupid right? It is, but it is an extreme uncontrollable fear. 

2. Break Ins

I am very paranoid and anxious about my car and home being broken into.  I am scared that someone will smash in the car window, or kick open our door.  I think past experiences has just left me overly cautious and paranoid.  In my life I've had my home broken into 3 times (all 3 while I was at home). My car broken into twice.  No damage was done to my vehicles, but there is that fear that next time, it will be worse.  

3. Having a heart attack

Or more specific, having one while I am alone, where no one can call 911 or help me.  With already present heart and blood pressure issues, I just feel that it is a real risk that could happen.  And although I do what I can to prevent it and keep my heart healthy, it is still something that could happen at any moment. 

The List: Day 1

So, blogging is inconsistent for me. It's come to the point where if I don't put it down on a list or as part of my daily schedule, I won't do it. It's strange to function this way, because I used to be so consumed by my emotions that I always felt busy.

Now that it is no longer as much of an issue, I don't know what to do with myself.

This 30 day list was recommended to me and I will give it a shot. 30 days, already set topics/questions. Hopefully I can do it every day!

First on the list, List 20 random facts about yourself.

1. I was born in Fort St. John, BC, Canada. 
2. My desk is full of gaming/geeky action figures, items and collectibles. 
3. I own a telescope. 
4. I hate the heat. 
5. I'd rather stay at home, then go out to a bar and party. 
6. I over plan EVERYTHING.
7. When home alone, I talk to the animals. Like, full one-way conversations. 
8. Survivor is my reality TV guilty pleasure.
9. My toothbrush disgusts me.
10. Bellybuttons also disgust me.
11. I like to study history. 
12. I've traced part of my ancestry back to King Edward I
13. Getting the mail is exciting to me. Like opening a Christmas present! lol
14. I have a collection of old books from 1200-1800.
15. I have a Diploma and a Certificate.. and am working on my second Diploma right now. 
16. 90% of my socks are a fun/funky color or design. Solid color socks suck. 
17. I'm a little addicted to my computer. 
18. I like to do old lady things like cross-titch, crafts, etc. 
19. I keep the TV on when I'm home alone, because the noise makes me feel not so alone.
20. Halloween is my favorite time of year. 

There is No Free Pass

Blood Relation
A person who is related to another by birth rather than by marriage.

Nothing angers me more then when someone says "Oh but they are your family" or "They are your blood relatives". People use this as an excuse to forgive one another or put hurtful things into the past because being family gives them some sort of pass for being a jerk.

I have never agreed with this, nor have I ever applied to my life. People look at me like I have three heads when I tell them this. I get questions like, how can you not talk (insert relation here)? They are the only family you have!

First of all, family can defined in a number of ways. A person does not have to share your ancestry to be family. I consider my boyfriend, my close friends and even my pets family. To me, these are people that are there for me. They have supported me, been there through the good and bad, comforted me, celebrated with me and are people that I can't imagine living without.

Yes, I have real relatives that I consider family. But not all. Why would I consider someone who abused me in childhood family? Yet still people say that I should forgive.

I will not forgive or forget. That would be denying who I am and what I went through. I no longer am pulled down by things in the past (for the most part), but that does mean that they receive a free pass for the things they did. I'm not talking about they stole my $20 and didn't give it back. When someone helps, assists or turns a blind eye to physical, emotional or sexual abuse to a child, they don't deserve forgiveness. No matter who they are or what their relation is to you.

I choose not to forgive these people and let them back into my life. And it is still a topic that angers me to this day, because still people ask me those questions.

I hope that these people have not forgiven someone who has traumatized them in life...

Pills Everywhere

When I was younger, I used to see all the medication bottles that my grandpa had and associated that with getting old. The older you got, the more pills you needed. Made sense to me. Old bodies slowly begin to fail, that is the natural process.

When I was given my first prescription drug at 13, I was indifferent about it.  I knew that I needed it and it was fine.  Just a couple pills, right? By the time I was in high school, it had changed, but it will still just a couple.  I lacked discipline and didn't always take them. It wasn't life or death and if I could go back in time, I don't think I would have changed it.

In my early twenties, the doctor's discovered solutions to some other problems I was having, which added another pill to what I already was taking. Shortly after that came great pain.  Extreme enough that it took me into the hospital.

They told me that I had a liver infection and my kidneys were leaking.  The reasoning? Seemed that the medications were weakening them.  Did I mention my grandpa died because of all the medication he was on, that his liver finally gave out? It's called Drug-Induced Liver disease and it's fairly common when you get older, so we were told.

So here I am, told that because I've been on medication for so long, but body is having a hard time keeping up.  The fix? Stay on your meds and add this antibiotic to it.

It scared me for a long time. My kidneys leaked for many years and I didn't take my meds all the time, for fear that I would speed up the leaking and end up with kidney disease.

Fast forward to today. I'm 30 years old and I have progressed to having one of these handy dandy pill organizers.  It's become that bad.  I was always a sick child but never realized that I would have so many different problems as I grew into adult hood.

As it stands right now, I take 8 pills a day.  Yes, 8. One is still increasing, so within a couple months, you can make that number 10.  Those are just pills.  I also take 5 injections a day.

My cupboard looks like a pharmacy.  But what can you do?  Without the medications I have pain or other complications.  And with them I will develop other complications as I get older.  I've chosen to life as well as I can now... with all the drugs.  I might not live a long life, but at least I'll have actually lived part of it.  Not just sat in pain and misery.

Doctor's Orders = Blogging

The last time I saw my pdoc (that's psychiatrist in this crazy online acronym world) we had a conversation that went something like this..

Do you keep a journal?

I have one, but I don't use it. 

What about a blog?

I have one, but I haven't used it much lately. 

Since computers are involved in many of your hobbies, I want you to blog. It doesn't need a theme. Don't worry about always having an idea. Sometimes just use it to speak your mind about how you are feeling or how your day went. You will find it is very helpful is gaining some understanding about your thoughts.... 

Etc etc.  So.. part of my doctor's orders are to blog.  Who knew?

Now this was a while ago, and yes I'm only getting to it now.  Because I brushed it off for a long time.  How the hell is blogging going to help anything? However, I've come to realize that I really don't speak about my thoughts much.  It's not really a fear of being judge, it's that I just don't think anyone wants to listen.  

So guess what? No one forces you to read a blog! So here I am! I'm going to try and make a commitment to blog at least once a week, so that I can report back to my pdoc on it. 

So that's my spiel.  Maybe it will be more interesting next week. 

Where I Have Been

This blog has posts far and few between.  Why? I actually have another blog, and it has become my main focus lately.  It is a health blog, for lack of a better term.

It's not that light hearted.  Sometimes there are laughs, but it's more of a journal of the struggles.  It's therapy for me.  I've kept it mostly a secret, only sharing it with friends from forums who are going through the struggles that I am.

However, the other day, one of the girls who reads it told me that I should share.  Not just for my friends and family, but for others who might be going through the same things. In some health forums, we all read each others blogs/journals and lend support and understanding.  Just because.  There is no motive behind it.  It's not to get people to click on your blog for more hits or popularity (although that's always nice), it is simply to hear stories similar to yours and know that you are not alone.

I've thought about this for a while.  And I will release the other blog.  I'm going to do some tweaks to its look and add some things to it, and then those who want to know about that side of my life, can.

It's not for everyone.  I know some of my friends (boyfriend included) don't like to hear the bad things.  But the bad things are there whether I want them to be or not.  This helps.  And if I am lucky, maybe it will bring comfort to someone else.

The Story of Khonsu

Recently a new little gift came into our lives and I wanted to share his story.

On May 5th, 2012, the night of the Supermoon, we were having a quiet night at home.  A friend and I were texting back and forth.  She mentioned that they were at The Point and that I could bring my camera out, as the moon was over the river and looking beautiful.

We packed up the tripod and camera and headed out.  The Point, also sometimes called the Peace River Hills, is a large lookout point over the river.  It is quite high and a steep drop off.  A few minutes out of town, it is dark and proved to be a perfect spot to take some pictures of the moon.




As I positioned myself up on a table to get higher, Shannon stood by the fence looking over and said he could hear something.  He looked and looked and finally saw a slinking shadow come up over the edge.  It crawled under the fence and put itself up against his legs. "It's a cat," he said, and he picked him up.

Like he came from the moon himself, he was pure black with glowing orangey-yellow eyes.  He was also freezing.  The cat shivered and his body was cold to the touch.  Shannon pressed him against his chest and he huddled closer to get warm.

We decided to take him into the car and warm him up, see if he had a collar. My heart had already sank though, as The Point is a famous dumping grounds for unwanted animals, cats, dogs and rodents alike.

He sat on the floor near the foot heater and closed his eyes.  Finally warm, he happily crawled up and explored the car and us.  Although I saw no visible injuries, he was thin.  And his neck was rubbed down from a collar that was too tight at one point.

We decided it was too cold to put him back out and took him home.  Hopefully this was a case of a collar slipping off, but I knew that was a small chance.  It looked almost as if he had grown and whatever was around his neck stayed the same, leaving the hair rubbed off.

He took residence in our storage room and happily slept and ate, while having sniffing with Isis through the door.  We put up ads and contacted people.  But no luck and it became clear to me that someone did not want this little guy.

It took a couple days, but Isis finally accepted him.  He is in love with her, she likes him as a playmate. He's young, I'm thinking not quite a year.  But he has a vet appointment next week to get checked out and discuss about having him neutered.

The name Khonsu came as a suggestion to us.  Since Isis is an Egyptian name, Khonsu was suggested as he was the god of the moon.  It certainly fits :)

He is very sweet and loving, and I am so happy to have him as part of the family.

A New Year, A New Beginning

Ah the long lapse of blog posts. It's not intentional. I sometimes forget I have a blog. There is a handwritten journal that I keep that sometimes distracts me from ever writing a thing online.

Of course much has happened since my last post. However, not a lot of it is grand. I've been quite ill.. tests still pending. Unfortunatly the cause of the illness can't be discovered. Even after the last 4 months of testing. There are some more tests coming in May and, cross you fingers, something shows from that.

I'm unemployed. On medical EI for a while. Now on regular and perhapd on disability for a while after this month. That makes me sad. It makes me feel very useless. I am thankfully for the help, it's something I never hoped that I would ever need. The community resources here are wonderful. But it is still very hard on someones self esteem.

But I am determined to get some answers to the health problems and get them under control. Hopefully, then I will be able to have a little more balance in life.

I believe that I am going to return to school. This was also a struggle. I'm 30 years old and was not sure if this was something I could and should be doing. But it's time for a change overall and if all goes well this year, I will enter back into a college next spring.