4am and a Headache

The headaches are so severe they wake me up at night. Tonight I can also feel the throbbing through my body. For some reason, tonight I am also feeling numbness in the majority of my body.  That's new.

Normally the numbness is only on the right side, where my liver is.

That's how it started.  I noticed a bruise in a strange spot, near the bottom of my ribcage. The next day I was swollen there and itchy! Like I had the driest skin in the country.  Yet, when I scratched, the skin felt numb. After a week, was still the same so I made a doctor appointment.

Things weren't too bad at that point.

I started feeling tired. Then suddenly really tired. I would get up then have to lay down a couple hours later. And if I didn't nap before work, I wouldn't make it through a 5 hour shift. This is silly. My friend convinced me to go to the walk in clinic, which I did and was dismissed. He said he could do nothing for me.

So I waited another week to see my doctor. At this time the swelling had gone down, but I was still tired. And my eyes had become so red and bloodshot, I looked like I was smoking some good stuff. Except I wasn't. She ordered blood tests.

The results of these tests showed that my liver is damaged. It's leaking... badly. A normal range is 0 to 36.  A little higher is alright. Mine is currently at 117. And this is about 6 months after my last blood tests, which it was only slightly elevated then.

I'm back next month for more blood work.  Yes, next month.  Why that long? The doctor's explanation is this (I'm not sure I agree.. but hey, I'm not a doctor I guess). It could be a number of things.  I do have some health issues and am also on some medication that can screw with my liver. However it could also be a cancer of some kind.  We are going to wait to check the levels again later. Because you know, if they are even higher in 3 weeks, then it's easier to pinpoint what we are dealing with.

I understand the logic. I've been to doctor's all my life. It will make it easier to know what is going on and if it's my medication or something more sinister.  But it's frustrating to have to keep going on feeling like this. 

So here I am... 4am because of a headache that is keeping me awake.. blogging for the first time in months!

Christmas is Everyone's Holiday; Not a Special Club

I'm sick of the argument between "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays".. it's very ridiculous.  I think that we have become evolved enough over the years to realize that everyone celebrates Christmas, whether they are a God fearing religion or not.

Is there really a reason to debate about this and be all judgey judgerson? Is a family who does not believe in God, but celebrates the Christmas holidays as a time to be together, less worthy than the one who goes to church on Sundays and celebrates the relgious meaning of it?

I don't care what you're answer is.  The answer is no. Get over it.

I am not of any faith that follows the bible or any aspect of it.  Yet, I celebrate Christmas. No, I do not reflect on the fact that it is the day Jesus Christ was born. (His birth date is a whole other story that you can read here.)

We could list how different religions celebrate this time of year and there are many.  The month of December is full of different celebrations. I could be wrong, but I think many of them would be glad to bring you into their festivities and allow you to share and celebrate with them.

So what's your problem with Christmas?

Have you ever seen the first Futurama Christmas episode.. where in the year 3000 it's now called Xmas (ex-mass).  That's how it is going to become eventually, I swear.

Since I've venting, I'll share my story of why I still celebrate at this holiday.  I didn't have the greatest homelife. Childhood was very strange, confusing and scary, but I could always count on Christmas. None of my family was religious. There was no bible in the houses I moved back and forth from. I asked for one, out of curiosity, and my aunt gave me one.  Yes I have read it. Front to back. Interesting story.

At Christmas, the chaos in my life would slow. The woman I lived with would fuss over me. I was spoiled with gifts. She cooked mountains of food.  I sometimes didn't know when I would see my dad next, but he was always there for Christmas. It gave my life a sense of normality. The adults around me laugh and got along.

It was always short lived. By Boxing Day, as things were cleaned and people went back to where they came from, reality was all too quick to come back.

But for that Christmas Eve and that one whole day of Christmas, I felt loved and happy and normal. (Even if some of the love was bought, I didn't care. I wanted it) And as years went on, that became my goto holiday. I knew at Christmas, there would be gifts and food and gathering and fun. It wouldn't matter what was happening, for that one day, I could count on my friends and family to be happy. And I could pretend that nothing in the past happened.

Is that healthy? I dunno, ask my psychiatrist.

So every year, by the middle of November I am excited. I write Christmas cards, I wrap everything and that tree goes up the week after Remembrance Day. And that energy will keep me going through all of December.

I say Happy Holidays.  Not to disrespect Christians/Catholics/etc, but because I believe it's respectful to all. I don't care what you say to me, I will take it either way.  But I believe that Christmas is not a special club that you can only enter if you believe in God. If Christmas means a lot to someone in a way like it does to me, they deserve to not be caught in some stupid argument about wording.

Your cashier is going to tell you Happy Holidays. She has to. Just smile, be happy that this is a holiday that all people can share, and keep your damn mouth shut if you don't agree with it.

The Fake Wedding

I promised to keep a secret.  And when I made that promise I was in shock from the news and stammered out an okay. Afterwards, with time to think, this was not a secret that I wanted to keep.  It wasn't right.

I'm going to tell that secret here.  You might think that bad of me. But the secret involves me and I am angered that it was kept.  No one who reads this blog is effected by it, and if they are, the truth is one that should be out anyway.

In 2008, my husband and I separated. It wasn't messy, we simply parted ways and moved on in different directions.  We remained friends and didn't initiate a divorce right away because there was no hurry. Speed ahead a few years, I began the process of a divorce, but had some financial difficulties and didn't go ahead with it.  No big deal he said, he would do it.

Fast forward now to 2011.  He decides that he is going to propose to his current girlfriend.  I'm happy for him and I send an email to see what he wants to do.  He says, no problem, I'm filing right after xmas.  I'm not working due to medical conditions, but he assures me that he is the one getting married, so he will handle the divorce.  Perfect.

Months go by. Nothing. I message again. He's procrastinating. They've already set a date.  October 13, 2012.  Better get on it.

July. Still hasn't filed. Finally gets things together and files the beginning of August. End of September comes and I have heard nothing.

The next email informs me that he filled out part of the paperwork wrong and had to re-file. We will not be divorced by the wedding. I ask, what are you going to do?

He replies their justice of the peace has agreed to give them a fake wedding.  Yes, a fake one.  And they will sign a real marriage certificate when our divorce goes through. Are you fucking kidding me? Also, he asks, can you not say anything? Our guests believe it's real and no one knows because we are embarrassed.

First of all, if I was his fiance I would punch him in the throat.

Second, am I that worthless that you can't even finalize a divorce with your first wife before you go on? You had a whole year to get the divorce.  So, scratch that, you have more then a year because he obviously knew he were going to propose before Christmas.

When he posted "I'm a married man" I just wanted to scream.  Yeah you are.  Married to me still! How do you like that? Every wedding anniversary you ever have will be a lie.  Do you know why? Because you don't want anyone to know.

I am not angry at him for getting married.  That ship sailed long ago.  But I do think that both me and his fiance/current-fake-wife deserve more respect then this. She deserves to have a perfect day and know that on that day every year she can be proud of her wedding day.

Enough of my ranting.  It will all be over soon. And I will be happy to close that chapter.  I wish them the best and I hope that this doesn't overshadow their marriage.  Speaking as a women, I can tell you that THAT will be leverage later on. :p

The List: Day 10 & 11

Yes, I'm doubling up today.  I missed yesterday.  Actually I did begin it, saved it as a draft and forgot about it.  So here we go!

Describe your most embarrassing moment.

There are so many of these.  I'm not sure I'm willing to share the very worst one.  But I'll share a lighthearted one from when I was a teenager. 

I believe I was 17 at the time and of course had my fair share of crushes.  One of these boys I was particularly fond of.  I was driving one summer day, window down, music up when I saw him walking down the street.  Trying to play it cool I didn't even glace his way, until he yelled "Hey!" to me as I drove by. Shocked, I turned my head back to see him and yell a greeting back, when I remembered I was near a stop sign. 

When I looked ahead, that stop sign was coming straight at my car, as I had veered right in my process of being boy-crazy.  I was lucky to have been going slow enough and stopped a foot or so away from the sign. But it was pretty clear the people around me what had happened. 

Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

1. People touching my belly button. Just don't. Don't even joke about it!
2. Closed minded people.
3. People who are cruel to animals.
4. When the cat bites my toes in the middle of the night. 
5. Dirty toothbrush. Even just left over toothpaste in it.. not allowed. Blech. 
6. When someone finished the milk/juice/etc and then leaves the carton on the counter instead of throwing it away.
7. When the cats clean their litter paws in the bathtub.
8. When random people park in my space.  It's a long story, but it drives me insane!
9. People who ask "How are you?" when really, they don't want to know. 
10. Cashiers who ask if you've found everything you were looking for, then stare blankly at you if you say no. 

Almost Turkey Day!

Today I cleaned out the fridge, made a big spot and plunked the frozen down so that it can thaw. I enjoy Thanksgiving.  I wouldn't say it's my favorite holiday (that one would be Halloween) but it's a close runner up.

When I was growing up, it was one of the only times my family was together.  And when I say family, I mean my grandpa, dad and Mary.  It wasn't a big thing.  There wasn't a huge table with lots of people, it was a small affair with Mary's dry turkey and enough food to feed a family of twelve.

I have fond memories of these gatherings and I have always made the time to celebrate it in some way.  We don't do family dinners anymore. Grandpa passed years ago. Mary is chest deep in a new business with her boyfriend.  My dad and his girlfriend spend most with her parents, but there have been a few times I have spent it with them.  So I've taken it upon myself to make a supper for myself and my significant other.

It is always way too much food for two.  But my turkey is never dry. I stick to traditional... I make my own stuffing, mash my own potatoes; you won't find Stovetop here.

Small things that you bring along with you as your grow and age.  I wouldn't change things in any way.

The List: Day 9

List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

1. My dad - he overcame his personal problems and became successful, loving and a great father
2. Trish - Always been there for me and taught me how to be a stronger person
3. Krysti - Pushed me to learn more about myself and encouraged me to pursue the things that I want
4. Mr Van Bergan (a teaching student) - Complimented my writing and gave me the confidence to keep at it. 
5. High School Socials Teacher - Has an essay that I wrote published in a book for the School District. He also upped my confidence about my writing. 
6. Tito - Ok he's not a person. But what happened to this little dog led to an epiphany for me and effected me in ways I didn't think possible. He helped me make up my mind about my future.

I'll be honest, I can't think of any more.  Those are the people who stand out for me so far in my life.  I am sure that as time goes on, I will add to that list.  But as for now, those are the major players. 

The List: Day 8

What are 5 passions you have?

1. Ancestry research
2. Astronomy
3. Animals
4. Photography
5. Writing